Hope

This post was written last night (Thurs March 13th). I wavered back and forth on what to title this post. I've felt an intense array of emotions since this morning, some including sadness, grief, anger, thanks, confusion, hope, grace, and love. I stuck with hope because that's what I'm choosing to focus on now. This past week has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. Last Thursday Grant and I happily walked back into the UAB Women and Infants Center to get a sneak peak of our latest blessing from above. I knew I was 8w 4d pregnant because I did an ovulation kit this go around (just for fun) and was confident that our second child would arrive around October 13th 2014. Grant and I confidently walked into the ultrasound room knowing everything would be perfect just like it was with William. I quickly knew something wasn't right when the ultrasound tech said, "Well, it looks like your baby is 5w 6d and it's just too early to see a heartbeat." A wave of panic washed over me and Grant as she continued her measurements and reassured us everything looked good and said we probably just had our dates off. Grant and I both knew this wasn't the case but nervously waited to get my doctor's opinion. My doctor was honest in letting us know this could be a miscarriage but plenty of times everything turned out okay. He said come back in a week for another ultrasound. I knew when we left that day that something wasn't right. Grant was feeling more optimistic.

Fast forward to today. My mom came up yesterday, as a wonderful mom would, to be supportive and a nice distraction until the appointment this morning. She took William to the McWane Center and kept him happy while we went back to the dotor. The whole experience did not start out well. We arrived at 10am for the 10:40 ultrasound. At 12:15 I still hadn't been called back. I thought my heart was going to pound out of my chest and I got extremely frustrated and angry at the situation. It turns out there was a computer system glitch and they didn't know I was there. They profusely apologized and at this point that's a blip on the radar. When we finally went back for the ultrasound, I immediately knew the baby hadn't grown by looking at the screen. I told the tech, "This isn't good." She quietly responded, "I'm sorry. I'll get your doctor." I admire those ultrasound techs. I can't imagine having their job! We ended up moving to a room and at this point the reality set in that I was going to lose my baby at 9w 4d. There's no such thing as "just" a miscarriage in the 1st trimester. I never realized that until it was about me. We found out I was pregnant on February 1st and we have loved and prayed for that baby long before that. My doodling turned into writing family baby name combinations and daydreaming turned into wondering whether we would have a girl or another baby boy. There wasn't an hour that went by when I didn't think about the precious baby growing inside me. There's nothing easy about this. Grant and I loved and prayed for this baby before he/she ever existed. It's truly amazing how we've felt God's presence all day long. I don't see how people with no belief in our Lord and Savior get through tough situations like this. We find so much comfort in knowing that's God's grace and love for us is immense, more than our love for each other. I'm blessed with the most amazing husband, child, co-workers, family and friends. I debated whether or not to post about this experience and trial in our life, but ultimately decided this is a place I've always wanted to share the ups and downs. I want my children to read this one day and know how much their Mommy and Daddy rely on God for both the joyous times and difficult times. 

Theses verses have been uplifting to me:

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18

For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

We are choosing to remain hopeful and positive about expanding our family in the near future! We covet your thoughts and prayers!